Inspiration

Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, handsome, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us. It is not just in some; it is in everyone. And, as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

I do love this quote. Although some believe that it was Nelson Mandela who wrote these words, it was in fact author Marianne Williamson. But that is neither here nor there... It is definitely one of my favorites and very appropriate for my topic tonight.

The subject of my blog tonight is "inspiration." What a great word. In it's origin (c. 1300), it was meant to describe, "...the immediate influence of God or a god" (for the purposes of this post, let's just stick to divine influence). It also indicates the act of drawing air into the lungs. I love the dual meanings here because for me, they are the same thing. Just as I need oxygen to survive, I need to feel purpose to truly thrive. I think many of you may feel the same way.

It is 9:30pm on a Saturday night and I am feeling inspired. I just took an hour walk through my neighborhood under a near full moon to breathe in the crisp fall air, smell the wood burning stoves and quietly reflect on life at this moment. I realized I need to give myself permission again to be someone and do something(s) amazing. As many of you may be well aware by now, that thing used to be Olympic rowing. That dream burned inside me like a roaring fire and kept me fueled for years. I would go on night walks just like the one I just went on and I would think about my goals and I would feel that "immediate influence of a god." I sometimes felt in a way that it was my destiny; that I almost had no choice in the matter and I was just acting on gifts that had been blessed with at birth.

I think for a few months now I have felt that this deep, intense feeling was completely misguided and that no, I was not meant for greatness. Perhaps I had been duped by endorphins, serotonin or dopamine. All those moments of "divine inspiration" were clearly a cruel trick that the universe had played on me for years so that I would keep chasing a dream that would never come to the fore. But what if it is real? What if this feeling that I am capable of amazing things is not specific to one thing? Now that I think about it, why would it be?

I am finding new hope. Suddenly those hours, days, months, and years of determination and relentless focus aren't looking like such a waste of time. For the first time in a long time, I want to give myself permission to be "powerful beyond measure." More importantly, I want to do this so that I can bring it out in others, just as Marianne Williamson suggests. I want to stop feeling shocked when others tell me that I am a good person, or that they like me, or that I am a decent athlete (see... I still can't say "good athlete"). It's time to remember who I am, what I have done, what I want to do and where I want to go. Still a process, but at least I have tapped back into that roaring fire and recognize it's need to be stoked.

I hope you can all relate to this because again, as Ms. Williamson suggests, we were all "...born to make manifest the glory of God within us." For those of you in my life, thank you all for being brilliant because it is your light that reminds me that I have one of my own. Here's to many, many more moments of inspiration in the near and not-so-distant future.

Full Circle

In 1998, I decided that it was too much for me to commute from school to swim practice, so I picked up the sport of rowing. I was swimming club at the time with the Trent Swim Club in Peterborough, as my high school (Lakefield... woot woot) did not have a swim team. After a year and a half of crazy commuting, I was convinced that it might be easier to join a school team, and rowing might be the perfect one to join. Boy was that spot-on. I fell in love with rowing right away and never looked back. (I am now swimming again, but that is neither here nor there!)

It's crazy to look back on those years and see myself now, coaching young adults just like 17-year-old Lindsay who are just picking up a set of blades for the first time. We had our final high school regatta of the season yesterday, and now I take time to reflect on my last two and a half months with the "kids". I have to admit, coaching is NOT as easy as one may be led to believe.

I started out by simply showing up at the Gorge Rowing Center, throwing my athletes in a boat, and teaching them the basics of what I understood as the rowing stroke. I quickly realized that I had forgotten how to use layman's terms. I was throwing "port," "starboard," "let it run" and "leg drive" at these kids and they were looking at me like I had five heads. It became clear that I needed a plan, I needed to get organized, and I had better do it quickly.

Technical jargon is just the beginning, however. The art of coaching, in my opinion, lies in an individual's ability to read one's athletes. You must do your best as a coach to honor the individuals within your team, but also recognize that it is indeed a team that you are working with. Tough stuff... This makes me appreciate all of the coaches I have had to date, starting from my very first swim coach to my present triathlon coach. Managing athletes is not easy, and it takes a very patient and confident individual to rise to the challenge. I am positive I have just scratched the surface of this coaching business, and it has definitely sparked my interest. I think I may stick with this coaching gig for a while yet...

I feel blessed to have had the opportunity to work with these kids. The improvement they have shown over 10 weeks is outstanding. I only hope that they can come to love rowing as much as I have, and in this discover things about themselves that sometimes only competitive sport can teach you. Here's to many more seasons of coaching (and, of course, being coached!!!)

What a Piece of Work

The inscription on this piece in downtown Victoria reads: "You who lift a penny from the gutter and with the same hand point out stars, find me."

I don't know why exactly, but I LOVE THIS. All lit up beautifully on a cool fall night... Ahhhh Vic.

What do you do?

Today someone asked me a very common question, one that I have been asked several times since moving back to Victoria: "What do you do?" In turn, I have asked people this same question myself, and I find it's usually in reference to the jobs that people hold. It's interesting to be essentially jobless and try to answer this question. After having one main focus in my life for several years, I am realizing now how devastating it is to only "do" one thing and when that thing is gone, what do you do then? At the root of it, WHO ARE YOU?

I answer the question rather casually with something like, "I'm in transition," or "Still looking!" This is definitely true, but talk about a feeling of inadequacy! It is so interesting to me that we are not merely humans, we are humans that DO or HAVE things. It is undoubtedly necessary to stay busy, but how do we keep from getting too attached to these external factors? What you do can come and go. You can lose your job, your relationships could fail, your kids go away to school.... How is it that we keep our wits about us and aim to only be defined by who we truly are?

I have obviously been thinking about this a lot in the last few weeks and have had to do some major soul searching. What brings me joy? Where do I need to be? What are my passions? Who are the people I love the most? I treat all of the answers to these questions as my foundation and from there I rebuild a life. Yes - I could probably find a job more easily in Vancouver but you know what? I LOVE VICTORIA. I need sport in my life and hours of routine training (THANK YOU HPR!!!) I have beautiful friends here and across the country and I make sure to include them in my life. I trust that if I stay true to my passions, things will line up for me eventually.

So what do I do? I breathe in the ocean air, I clip into my bike, I run the trails, I enjoy good company and look forward to each new day.....

New Zealand Round 2

This week has been an interesting one for me. The 2010 World Rowing Championships began on the weekend in New Zealand and I have been keeping tabs on how the team is doing. I am so happy for my teammates who are doing so well in the regatta to date, but of course, a part of me is really torn up inside about the whole thing. I know - when is Forget going to stop whining about not being on the rowing team.... Hopefully soon! But for now, this blog is pretty much therapy for me, so you'll have to excuse me while I let it all out!

I have been watching a blog posted by a former teammate of mine called "Rares' Rhythm." Rares is a member of the lightweight men's pair and he has been documenting his experience at Worlds and doing short interviews with the whole Canadian team. You can check out his blog on my sidebar. It's hard to explain all of the emotions going on as I follow races, read blogs, look at pictures and watch videos. I can liken it to breaking up with someone and then looking at pictures of them moved on and happy with someone else. Seriously... that's what it feels like! But then you just love them so much that you can't be angry at all.

The most recent video that Rares posted is called "Why do you row?" Man - that struck a chord. Passion, the love of the game, winning, spending hours and hours and hours training... Where else can you find that kind of love? It's more than just having fun. It's more than being healthy and fit. It really is love, in it's purest form. It's putting your heart and soul into something because you believe in it with such tenacity that anything falling short of that is impossible. I get that.

I guess the hardest thing for me is that I did everything. Literally. I did every training session, I did all of the core workouts, I had massages, I read sport psych books, I moved to the training centers, I lost 30 pounds to row lightweight... I did what every elite athlete needs to do: cross your t's and dot your i's. So why am I not with my teammates in New Zealand? I focused solely on the 2012 Olympic Games and really, really believed I would be there. I guess I have always been a believer in the power of positive thinking, and can't understand how it seems to have failed me. I have to acknowledge my female lightweight teammates here and say that I would have, of course, had to earn my spot on the team first. I know that. By no means do I feel like I had a guaranteed spot on the Olympic team. What I am saying is that I would rather have a shot and be beaten out of the boat instead of having my body give out on me.

So, it is with a bittersweet heart that I cheer from home for my teammates in New Zealand. I miss them all dearly and wish the best for them. The universe has other plans for me and while this week marks the end of the season for the rowers, it is the beginning of the season for Human Powered Racing!!! One chapter closes and another opens....