Perspective

Two nights ago, I thought it would be a good idea to write a post when I was very disappointed and upset. I was pretty down on myself (specifically my joblessness) and in short, I was in a dark place. I had not been considered for a position that I had fallen in love with, and it hit me hard. I am hoping most of you missed it and if you did read it, I assure you that it was in a moment of weakness (I am human, after all). I read it the following day to a couple friends of mine at lunch and they gave me some sound advice: I needed to do damage control. I listened to their words, and deleted the post. For those of you who read it - try not to judge me too harshly! The eternal optimist also has slips here and there. Plus, I learned a valuable lesson: don't write anything when you are overly upset or angry!

I also received a great e-mail about perspective, and that is the topic of this post. I was reminded that things could certainly be worse and that they will get better. In the end, that's the truth: things always, always, always get better. I also watched the movie "127 Hours" (story of Aron Ralston.. AMAZING) and talk about perspective... wow. Very humbling. All of these things made me realize that my life really isn't all that bad and more importantly, I realized that I was still in control and had the power to change things.

I woke up this morning to get to my swim workout feeling tired and still a little sorry for myself. I considered going back to bed and decided I was sick of being a victim. "This is ridiculous," I thought to myself, "You've never been one to go back to bed just because you are tired. Get your ass out there." I threw on my gear and pounded out 80 minutes of drill work, which I REALLY REALLY REALLY need. I am so excited for the day that I can actually "feel" the water. Right now, I'm basically flailing my limbs around and trying to breathe (or, when I am using my new snorkel, trying not to inhale more than one liter of water at a time... still haven't mastered it and don't even ASK me to do a flip-turn with that thing).

I spent the entire day Christmas shopping, which is so much fun I wish Christmas were 12 months a year. I LOVE buying presents and particularly sending packages. I even found the perfect gift for the hardest man to shop for in the world: Papa Forget. I cannot WAIT to give him his gift. I even found time to write a practice exam for a test I am writing Saturday morning, so it was a very productive day, followed by a team run tonight with HPR.

I have to say, I do love running with those guys. My favorite thing so far are these short activation sprints that we do before every hard run workout (and I have also started doing them after all of my slower, steadier runs since I need some fast twitch in these quads!)I have never run for speed before and it's a blast trying to get your legs to go as fast as you can. There's something very primal about running fast that really appeals to me. Now to make my legs go that quickly for 10-20k over uneven terrain! That's the next step. Oh wait... did I mention that it would follow a swim and bike!? MAN I am loving this sport.

I love the word "perspective." It's easy sometimes to fall into a rut and before you know it, you can't see the forest through the trees. Thank GOD I am blessed with so many amazing friends and teammates, and the best damn parents a girl could ask for. You can always do SOMETHING. You can always find some way to make your day a little brighter. I know that there are things I can do every day to make things better. I can buy presents for the people I love, I can job hunt, I can keep challenging myself in this new wonderful world of triathlon... There's a time to put your big girl pants on and decide you are going to do something.

I am going to get a job. I am going to be high performance once again. I am going to remember who I am. I am going to believe in myself. I am going to help other people say these things about themselves and believe it too.

It will always get better.

Inspiration

Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, handsome, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us. It is not just in some; it is in everyone. And, as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

I do love this quote. Although some believe that it was Nelson Mandela who wrote these words, it was in fact author Marianne Williamson. But that is neither here nor there... It is definitely one of my favorites and very appropriate for my topic tonight.

The subject of my blog tonight is "inspiration." What a great word. In it's origin (c. 1300), it was meant to describe, "...the immediate influence of God or a god" (for the purposes of this post, let's just stick to divine influence). It also indicates the act of drawing air into the lungs. I love the dual meanings here because for me, they are the same thing. Just as I need oxygen to survive, I need to feel purpose to truly thrive. I think many of you may feel the same way.

It is 9:30pm on a Saturday night and I am feeling inspired. I just took an hour walk through my neighborhood under a near full moon to breathe in the crisp fall air, smell the wood burning stoves and quietly reflect on life at this moment. I realized I need to give myself permission again to be someone and do something(s) amazing. As many of you may be well aware by now, that thing used to be Olympic rowing. That dream burned inside me like a roaring fire and kept me fueled for years. I would go on night walks just like the one I just went on and I would think about my goals and I would feel that "immediate influence of a god." I sometimes felt in a way that it was my destiny; that I almost had no choice in the matter and I was just acting on gifts that had been blessed with at birth.

I think for a few months now I have felt that this deep, intense feeling was completely misguided and that no, I was not meant for greatness. Perhaps I had been duped by endorphins, serotonin or dopamine. All those moments of "divine inspiration" were clearly a cruel trick that the universe had played on me for years so that I would keep chasing a dream that would never come to the fore. But what if it is real? What if this feeling that I am capable of amazing things is not specific to one thing? Now that I think about it, why would it be?

I am finding new hope. Suddenly those hours, days, months, and years of determination and relentless focus aren't looking like such a waste of time. For the first time in a long time, I want to give myself permission to be "powerful beyond measure." More importantly, I want to do this so that I can bring it out in others, just as Marianne Williamson suggests. I want to stop feeling shocked when others tell me that I am a good person, or that they like me, or that I am a decent athlete (see... I still can't say "good athlete"). It's time to remember who I am, what I have done, what I want to do and where I want to go. Still a process, but at least I have tapped back into that roaring fire and recognize it's need to be stoked.

I hope you can all relate to this because again, as Ms. Williamson suggests, we were all "...born to make manifest the glory of God within us." For those of you in my life, thank you all for being brilliant because it is your light that reminds me that I have one of my own. Here's to many, many more moments of inspiration in the near and not-so-distant future.

Full Circle

In 1998, I decided that it was too much for me to commute from school to swim practice, so I picked up the sport of rowing. I was swimming club at the time with the Trent Swim Club in Peterborough, as my high school (Lakefield... woot woot) did not have a swim team. After a year and a half of crazy commuting, I was convinced that it might be easier to join a school team, and rowing might be the perfect one to join. Boy was that spot-on. I fell in love with rowing right away and never looked back. (I am now swimming again, but that is neither here nor there!)

It's crazy to look back on those years and see myself now, coaching young adults just like 17-year-old Lindsay who are just picking up a set of blades for the first time. We had our final high school regatta of the season yesterday, and now I take time to reflect on my last two and a half months with the "kids". I have to admit, coaching is NOT as easy as one may be led to believe.

I started out by simply showing up at the Gorge Rowing Center, throwing my athletes in a boat, and teaching them the basics of what I understood as the rowing stroke. I quickly realized that I had forgotten how to use layman's terms. I was throwing "port," "starboard," "let it run" and "leg drive" at these kids and they were looking at me like I had five heads. It became clear that I needed a plan, I needed to get organized, and I had better do it quickly.

Technical jargon is just the beginning, however. The art of coaching, in my opinion, lies in an individual's ability to read one's athletes. You must do your best as a coach to honor the individuals within your team, but also recognize that it is indeed a team that you are working with. Tough stuff... This makes me appreciate all of the coaches I have had to date, starting from my very first swim coach to my present triathlon coach. Managing athletes is not easy, and it takes a very patient and confident individual to rise to the challenge. I am positive I have just scratched the surface of this coaching business, and it has definitely sparked my interest. I think I may stick with this coaching gig for a while yet...

I feel blessed to have had the opportunity to work with these kids. The improvement they have shown over 10 weeks is outstanding. I only hope that they can come to love rowing as much as I have, and in this discover things about themselves that sometimes only competitive sport can teach you. Here's to many more seasons of coaching (and, of course, being coached!!!)

What a Piece of Work

The inscription on this piece in downtown Victoria reads: "You who lift a penny from the gutter and with the same hand point out stars, find me."

I don't know why exactly, but I LOVE THIS. All lit up beautifully on a cool fall night... Ahhhh Vic.

What do you do?

Today someone asked me a very common question, one that I have been asked several times since moving back to Victoria: "What do you do?" In turn, I have asked people this same question myself, and I find it's usually in reference to the jobs that people hold. It's interesting to be essentially jobless and try to answer this question. After having one main focus in my life for several years, I am realizing now how devastating it is to only "do" one thing and when that thing is gone, what do you do then? At the root of it, WHO ARE YOU?

I answer the question rather casually with something like, "I'm in transition," or "Still looking!" This is definitely true, but talk about a feeling of inadequacy! It is so interesting to me that we are not merely humans, we are humans that DO or HAVE things. It is undoubtedly necessary to stay busy, but how do we keep from getting too attached to these external factors? What you do can come and go. You can lose your job, your relationships could fail, your kids go away to school.... How is it that we keep our wits about us and aim to only be defined by who we truly are?

I have obviously been thinking about this a lot in the last few weeks and have had to do some major soul searching. What brings me joy? Where do I need to be? What are my passions? Who are the people I love the most? I treat all of the answers to these questions as my foundation and from there I rebuild a life. Yes - I could probably find a job more easily in Vancouver but you know what? I LOVE VICTORIA. I need sport in my life and hours of routine training (THANK YOU HPR!!!) I have beautiful friends here and across the country and I make sure to include them in my life. I trust that if I stay true to my passions, things will line up for me eventually.

So what do I do? I breathe in the ocean air, I clip into my bike, I run the trails, I enjoy good company and look forward to each new day.....

New Zealand Round 2

This week has been an interesting one for me. The 2010 World Rowing Championships began on the weekend in New Zealand and I have been keeping tabs on how the team is doing. I am so happy for my teammates who are doing so well in the regatta to date, but of course, a part of me is really torn up inside about the whole thing. I know - when is Forget going to stop whining about not being on the rowing team.... Hopefully soon! But for now, this blog is pretty much therapy for me, so you'll have to excuse me while I let it all out!

I have been watching a blog posted by a former teammate of mine called "Rares' Rhythm." Rares is a member of the lightweight men's pair and he has been documenting his experience at Worlds and doing short interviews with the whole Canadian team. You can check out his blog on my sidebar. It's hard to explain all of the emotions going on as I follow races, read blogs, look at pictures and watch videos. I can liken it to breaking up with someone and then looking at pictures of them moved on and happy with someone else. Seriously... that's what it feels like! But then you just love them so much that you can't be angry at all.

The most recent video that Rares posted is called "Why do you row?" Man - that struck a chord. Passion, the love of the game, winning, spending hours and hours and hours training... Where else can you find that kind of love? It's more than just having fun. It's more than being healthy and fit. It really is love, in it's purest form. It's putting your heart and soul into something because you believe in it with such tenacity that anything falling short of that is impossible. I get that.

I guess the hardest thing for me is that I did everything. Literally. I did every training session, I did all of the core workouts, I had massages, I read sport psych books, I moved to the training centers, I lost 30 pounds to row lightweight... I did what every elite athlete needs to do: cross your t's and dot your i's. So why am I not with my teammates in New Zealand? I focused solely on the 2012 Olympic Games and really, really believed I would be there. I guess I have always been a believer in the power of positive thinking, and can't understand how it seems to have failed me. I have to acknowledge my female lightweight teammates here and say that I would have, of course, had to earn my spot on the team first. I know that. By no means do I feel like I had a guaranteed spot on the Olympic team. What I am saying is that I would rather have a shot and be beaten out of the boat instead of having my body give out on me.

So, it is with a bittersweet heart that I cheer from home for my teammates in New Zealand. I miss them all dearly and wish the best for them. The universe has other plans for me and while this week marks the end of the season for the rowers, it is the beginning of the season for Human Powered Racing!!! One chapter closes and another opens....

My New Team

Well, Saturday night I got all dressed up (a rarity!) and went to a season kick-off dinner at my new coach Mike's house. I had spent the whole day coaching my high school kids at a rowing regatta and was grateful to get out and have a little fun. (Not that coaching is stressful or anything - it was just a nice change of pace!) I showed up solo not knowing what to expect when I got to Mike and his wife Rachel's place. I had met a couple of people at a run I had joined in on, but other than that, I was going in blind!

I have to say, I think it's going to be a fun year. Everyone is so close, so fun and extremely enthusiastic! And boy do these folks know how to party. It's like University rowing season all over again and I must admit, those were some of the best days I ever spent in sport! We had a good team at Western who liked to work hard, but we also knew when to dial it up! I think I am in for a good year...

I almost didn't come out for dinner after Mike's place but one of my teammates (feels nice to say that) essentially forced me to come out. Karen is her name, and she made sure I came to the dinner by getting into my car and getting a ride with me. Hilarious! I am very glad I went and look forward to getting to know all of these people more. They have nothing but great things to say about Mike, and he has nothing but great things to say about them. There was a lot of love in the room. (=

Our season officially begins Monday November 1, 2010, and that is a day I have been looking forward to for a long time! It looks like we will have three evening swims every week (and Mike still wants me to do the Tuesday and Thursday morning swims with he and Clint), two bikes and two runs/hikes. Some core work thrown in there as well, which is good since I have been slacking on that lately.... Oh - and did I mention a beer mile!? Yep - November 5. I was pretty good at it when we did them as rowers but not sure how I will stack up against a bunch of runners.... I have talked a big game so here's hoping I clutch up!

Off to coaching now... Getting VERY excited about next week!

PS Applied for another position at the University today... Secretary this time. One of these applications is going to come through, I can FEEL it!

I love hills

OK, I am writing this entry today so that I can look back on it in a few months and have a good laugh at myself. I am just feeling super sorry for myself today. Brutal!!! I know, I know... I don't exactly have anything going on in my life right now that is THAT terrible. I am healthy, my family is healthy, I have food in my stomach and a roof over my head. Don't get me wrong - I am extremely thankful. But DUDE... I don't know how much longer I can handle this struggle bus!

I went out on a ride with Triple Shot this morning for the hills workout. It consists of four trips up Cadboro Bay Road, three trips up Sinclair (it's hell... seriously) and two trips up Mount Tolmie (not as bad as Sinclair, but just put that last nail in the coffin.) NOTHING can make you feel heavier or more out of shape that a few uphill climbs at 6am. DAMN!!! Needless to say, I biked home and here I sit, dressed up to go for a short run with a morning swim teammate, and I feel like a slow blob. Nice to follow the last blog with something like this, eh? Just shows you what extreme diets do to a person's psyche.

Seriously though, I am looking forward to the day where I am feeling efficient and fit again. Remember: my definition of fitness is different from most! Yeah - I can pull off these workouts every day but I am NOT pulling them off well and in no shape or form am I showing speed yet. I guess it HAS only been three weeks, hasn't it... I guess I was just hoping my super lean, fit self was going to pop back around once I got into it again. Patience, patience, patience! It is hard though, n'est-ce pas?

In the meantime, keep on keepin' on. Grind it out, eat healthily, DO NOT DIET for at least a couple more months (this body needs a break) and look back on all of this in the spring and say "Whew... Good thing I stuck it out. I knew it would get better!"

Now off for a run... Time to stop feeling like a blob and recognize that elite Lindsay is slowly going to emerge in the not-so-distant future!!!

SIDENOTE: Two posts opened up for Library Assistant at UVic. Fingers crossed!!!!

Not so heavy?

I am currently living with an awesome little family here in Victoria. Their daughter left for University and I moved right into her room when I got here. It's been great! They have made me feel like one of their own and I am very fortunate to be staying with them for the time being. We also have a young elite diver living in the suite downstairs, along with Mom, Dad and their 22-year-old hilarious son, so never a dull moment!

The other night, the homeowners were talking about their daughter, and mentioned that her swim coach had told her that she was fat and needed to lose weight. I am sure it was worded differently, but regardless, my back went up right away. As someone who has been a competitive athlete for 2/3 of her lifetime, I know what it's like to be told you are too big. When I was 13, my swim coach pinched the back of my arm and told me I had to get rid of it. I was on the "Zone" diet before my body had even finished developing. Much later in life, a rowing coach came in and told the entire team that they had to lean out, and I watched as myself and all of my teammates shrank down rapidly, some at the expense of much needed power and strength.

Let me be clear. I realize the necessity of efficiency. After switching from heavyweight to lightweight rowing, I now know that my most efficient weight is very lean. I will make moves to get back down there for racing season next summer, but I have done it so many times, under extremely good guidance, that I know what works for me. I also know how thin is too thin, and I must resist the urge to go down there every again. I am not contending the need to be light and efficient in (some) sports. The bone I have to pick is with coaches, therapists and practitioners who tell athletes, both young and old, that they need to lose weight without offering them the proper guidance. I have seen it end careers and destroy bodies for months, even years.

I can say from experience that diets do not work. It is astounding to me how much misinformation is out there about nutrition. Protein diets, no carb diets, liquid diets, high fat diets... All of them can give you immediate results but they are NOT SUSTAINABLE. People have to be people! Whether you are an athlete or a poet, every solitary person on this earth needs to eat. As an endurance athlete, I was put on a no-carb, 1000 calorie per day diet in order to shed some muscle mass to hit my weight-class target weight, and my body literally shut down. I should have known better, but I have now learned the hard way and hope to prevent others from falling down the same path. I do not have a degree in nutrition, but I can bet that I would give better advice than half the "sports nutritionists" out there. I didn't have to read it in a book - I have lived it!

When athletes are told to lose weight without good guidance, there are too many traps that they can fall into. There is just way too much bad advice out there and an athlete left to his or her own devices can make big mistakes. If you are going to attempt to lose weight or lean out, I would strongly recommend you get in touch with someone who is highly knowledgeable, with a strong sports background (if you are an athlete). I know someone who is absolutely amazing so if you are in Victoria, let me know! Otherwise, be very careful. Your body is a beautiful thing capable of beautiful things, so do not abuse it! As long as it is healthy, your body will do what you ask of it, so long as you respect it and treat it well. Eat your carbs!!!

Good Luck in New Zealand!

Today I was able to see two of my good friends before they head to New Zealand tomorrow for the World Rowing Championships. It is so interesting to be out of that world now and to still appreciate all of the work they have put in, and to see them rewarded for that work. A trip to New Zealand - can it get much better than that!?

One friend in particular has inspired me to write a new post today. We were chatting about his position in rowing and it's a beautiful one. He is part of a fantastic crew who have been together for a few years now and have completely gelled. He trusts his coach and believes in his program. He loves the city of Victoria, he is excited to go down to the lake every day and it's all showing in his results. They are arguably the best ranked crew coming out of Canada in one of the toughest events out there. Very exciting indeed!

Talking to him made me realize what I miss about rowing. I feel a deep sense of loss not necessarily for rowing itself, but for the sheer joy of being part of a team in a sport like rowing. The bond created through hours and hours spent on the lake, on the ergs and in the gym is one that is not found easily anywhere else. I miss my teammates and I miss pushing myself so that others can reach new heights alongside me. I yearn for that feeling again!

When I decided I could no longer row it was heart breaking. Rowing has been a part of my life (sometimes my entire life) for years and years, and I had believed in my Olympic Dream so relentlessly that it shattered me to think that it was over. The grieving period was long, and I wonder sometimes if I am still in it. I guess what I am hoping is that Ironman training and the people I am about to call my teammates will enable me to re-kindle the same passions I had in rowing and help me re-discover that woman that loved to train, loved to suffer, loved to race and loved to win.

Good luck to all of those heading to New Zealand. I wish you all the best and know you will represent Canada well.

Half Marathon

Here's where we start....

Yesterday I was lucky enough to participate in the "Goodlife Victoria Marathon," along with thousands of other athletes on 10/10/10. A friend of mine convinced me to sign up for the half marathon so that I had something to keep me motivated through September. I had taken over a month off after leaving rowing at the end of July, and she figured this would be a good way to get me back into the training scene. I had a blast! It was fun to do something challenging enough to keep me busy for a few weeks, but also to race with no pressure and no expectations. A nice change from what I had expected of myself while rowing.

In the last few weeks I have been fortunate enough to meet a ton of awesome people in the beautiful city of Victoria, BC. I leave rowing (for the time being!?) with the competitive fire still burning fiercely and brightly within me. I feel as though I left rowing not completely on my own terms, and I have yet to lose to the urge to be great at something physically demanding. So where did I turn? Ironman.

In this quest, I found a coach who has agreed to help me on my journey - Mike Neill (who coaches a group called Human Powered Racing). I also have found an amazing swim group, of which Mike is a part, under the guidance of Clint Lien at Crystal Pool. I also managed to find a super fun riding group that goes by the name of Triple Shot, famous for pre-dawn rides (starting at 6am!!!) and post-ride coffees. In sum, I have a pretty good line-up of coaches and advisors to help me sort out what it is exactly that I am doing, now that rowing is over.

So here we are.... Rowing done (again, for now!?) and Ironman coming up. Oh - and I need to find a job and come to terms with what it means to be done one sport and start TOTALLY new in another. More on where I am from and where I am going later.